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The Worries

March 1, 2012

My husband tells me you can’t move thunderstorms, and worrying about them won’t change anything. He’s a pilot. As part of his training and his very nature, he deals with crises in a much more controlled way than I do. He has to. If there’s a thunderstorm in his flightpath, he just has to change course to go around it or over it – whatever he has to do. There’s no point in arguing with a storm, you just adjust course. Simple.

I can’t seem to do that.

I haven’t been able to sleep lately. It seems to take me hours to shut my brain off. I can’t seem to stop all the thoughts that are swirling around in my overactive mind. I’ve been worrying.

What will her future look like? Will she ever speak? Will she ever be able to go to a regular school? Will she be able to get a job, go to college, get married? The reality is that she may not be able to do any of those things.

Then of course is the worry that she won’t have a future at all. I don’t want to see her sliding backwards as she seems to be doing. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to outlive her.

Then there’s the worry that if she does outlive me, what then? I can’t place that burden on her siblings. I can’t ask my slightly older autistic children to carry her load as well as deal with their own. But what, then, can I do?

Then there’s these damned seizures that feel like a punch to the gut every time they happen. It makes me sick, that knot in my stomach tightening, driving home the idea that whatever is going on, she is not outgrowing it, but rather growing into it. Whatever it is, it is getting worse. It is getting scarier.

It is getting more and more difficult for me to live in denial about this. Our future is becoming more and less clear all at the same time. Do I focus all I have on therapy to make her stronger, but potentially tire her to the point where she has even more of these episodes and then suffers more regressions?

I need to put everything I have to making my older two completely whole so that they can be self-sufficient and so that hopefully they will have the capability of sharing their sister’s struggles between them.

That’s the best I can do for now.

It doesn’t feel like enough.

The worries swirl like a chaotic tornado in my soul. The winds picking up one piece of debris and slamming it into another. Each worry crashing into the next. The storm rages in my mind as I lie in bed, wide awake, tears streaming down my face.

You can’t move thunderstorms. But what if I can’t get my family out of the way?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 11, 2012 9:27 pm

    I pray for strength and guidance for you. Children are remarkable and even special needs ones are capable of so much given the right resources. There is a plan and we need to believe and trust.

    Judy

    • March 12, 2012 2:44 am

      Thanks. We have more tests and appointments scheduled over the next couple of weeks. Hopefully we’ll get some answers. Until we do, I’m trying to trust, and drawing so much inspiration and strength from people like you. Thank you.

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